Here are numerous anecdotes that are suitable for speeches, for your reading pleasure, or for passing the time away on a cold winter's eve in the parlor. If you don't find something you like on this page or from one of the links below, you're probably a sour puss.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
* Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
* When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
* The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
* There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
* When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
* Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what was. * The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:
1) Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2) Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3) Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
4) Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
5) "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6) Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'.Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
7) The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
8) The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
9) Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10) During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
11) The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
12) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
13) Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
14) Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help.
15) Earl Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
16) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
18) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
20) Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
21) Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
22) The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23) The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24) This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25) Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26) The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
27) Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28) The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
31) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
A father and son went fishing one day. After an hour out in the boat, the boy started asking questions of his father, "Dad, how does the boat float?"
Father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."
The boy thought for a few minutes and then asked, "Dad, how do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is >>it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful."